


It's Date With Breadsticks Not Data And Feds' Tricks

by PandaFlower



Series: You've heard of Independence Day... [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Car Chases, M/M, Madara has so many regrets right now, More Zetsu, Shady Government Agents have no place at dates, Some Inkling Of Plot, Team Tobirama continues to have Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 16:17:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15666783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PandaFlower/pseuds/PandaFlower
Summary: So are y'all still interested in The Date? 'Cause here it is, folks.





	It's Date With Breadsticks Not Data And Feds' Tricks

His phone vibrated in his pocket for the tenth time in as many minutes. Interrupting, _yet again_ , what had been an engagingly informative conversation of all the ways Madara’s seen people attempt to cover their tracks or otherwise illicit activities with fire and the effectiveness thereof. Tobirama resisted the urge to scowl.

Madara had no such compunctions, grumpily stabbing what was left of his lasagna with rather more force than necessary.

Fishing his phone out, he texted _bring me a notebook_ before he even bothered to check his texts. Then he noticed the severity of the exclamation marks and resisted the urge to sigh; what was wrong _now?_

 **_Smokey the Bear:_ ** _for gods’ sakes you’re fucking surrounded!!!!!_

He was what now? Glancing up and letting his gaze slide around the room, casual as anyone looking for their waiter, he didn’t note anything that pinged his radar as being off.

Scrolling up proved to be more informative.

 **_Stabby:_ ** _Professor some weird men in suits came by after you left._

 **_Stabby:_ ** _They seemed a little too interested in the mess._

Alright? And Danzo and Homura didn’t divert them to a dead end? What was he not-paying them for if not to deal with this for him?

“Well?” Madara demanded. “What’s so important you can’t put the phone down?”

“Checking right now,” Tobirama murmured. Honestly, the firefighter could stand to learn some patience. He just hoped the man didn’t carry that attitude into bed or Tobirama would have to resort to bondage in addition to a gag if he was going to get more than five minutes of enjoyment out of it.

 **_Cat-ear Beanie:_ ** _they tk Kohars phon we hd to run_

 **_Cat-ear Beanie:_ ** _s he says yo u hv to replac hers nwo_

 **_Cat-ear Beanie:_ ** _w hy dint you say y ou wrkd fo r A51?_

Oh, for Mendeleev’s sake, that’s what the NDA’s were for; avoiding useless conversations!

 **_Scalpel Accident That Already Happened:_ ** _is this what i have to look forward to if i follow in youre footsteps_

 **_Scalpel Accident That Already Happened:_ ** _we hotwired your car btw. you have a sweet ride i didnt know you had four wheel drive_

 **_Smokey the Bear:_ ** _It’s Koharu, I borrowed K’s phone. He’s driving. We’re on our way to you. DON’T PANIC. We don’t know if they sent agents to your location yet._

 **_My Sadly Deserved Karma:_ ** _do we get extra cred for car chases?? I feel we earned extra cred don’t u??_

His brows furrowed. Car chase forgiveness had been removed from his insurance months ago, they better have made sure his car survived in one piece.

“Apparently, my old employer saw fit to harass my students after our recent breakthrough,” Tobirama finally told his date who had the decency to tone down his fuming, texting back _I will take every scratch on that car out of your grades, see if I don’t._

 **_My Sadly Deserved Karma:_ ** _*sent a pic*_

 **_My Sadly Deserved Karma:_ ** _Kagami did it_

A blurry picture of a smashed headlight filled the phone screen. Just for that Tobirama turned his phone off and stuck it back in his pocket. The shady government agency could wait until he’s had dessert and coffee damn it; those zeppoles looked mouthwatering.

“Now where were we?” Tobirama sent a sultry look at his date who immediately flushed in a rather satisfying manner. Really, he was so easy to tease. In the corner of his vision he noted a suspiciously non-descript vehicle pass by in the window, and another idling in a parking spot.

Ah, so that was what they meant by surrounded. His students must be closer than he thought.

Mentally sticking a pin in that thought, he rotated his focus and let Madara draw him back into a conversation entailing the various improbable things he’s seen people use as firestarters. Definitely fascinating enough to carry them through dessert. Once again, Tobirama lamented his lack of notebook, as well as the restaurant being fancy enough to hold itself above paper napkins.

Then the bell over the doors chimed as an agent wandered in and up to the desk with his best attempt at a charming smile and that was the end of dinner.

Tobirama interrupted Madara with a warm smile, throwing a wad of cash on the table and standing and moving around the table with a coy glance. Madara gave him a baffled look and followed him into the bathroom.

“What, really? Here? I do like this place you know, I don’t want to be banned—hmph!” Tobirama pulled him into a quick, but heartfelt kiss, backing them up to the wall by the high window he saw in here on an earlier trip. It was just big enough a grown man could wiggle through. Perfect for his purposes.

While he kept Madara occupied, and more importantly _quiet_ , he reached up to fiddle the window open. Madara moaned into the kiss in a rather distracting manner, however pleasant, so Tobirama redirected that mouth to his own throat. And that was pleasant too.

The window finally popped open just as Madara took it upon himself to initiate yet another kiss to which Tobirama backed away from with a rueful smile. “I really did enjoy our date, Madara. You are a wonderfully informative conversationalist.” he told him.

“But?” Madara frowned, expression dulling with suspicion and something like hurt.

“But,” Tobirama sighed, very put upon, “we’re about to have some unwelcome company.”

And saying such, used his impromptu date as an equally impromptu ladder and scrambled out the window.

“ _WHAT THE HELL, SENJU!_ ”

Oh, he did wish Madara would have the decency to linger in stunned stupor for a minute instead of shouting right off the bat, Tobirama groused as he jogged across the parking lot. He was _definitely_ investing in a gag for this one. If Madara, you know, survived the agents bursting into the bathroom right this very second.

Tobirama swiftly ducked behind a car when the sound of breaking glass heralded a body being thrown through the window. Which was kind of impressive given the force and aim needed to accomplish that. A pair of familiar gloves grabbed the sill and hauled a very pissy firefighter out the window after the agent, shamelessly using the limp body to break his landing. How lovely, Madara could keep up after all.

Waving a hand to signal his location as a brief courtesy, Tobirama wove his way to the idling shady government vehicle now left empty and gave it a swift once over. Hm, it almost certainly had tracking devices, it’d be smarter to slash the tires…

Oh well, it’d be exciting.

He hopped into the front seat, adjusting the mirrors and the seat, keeping one eye on Madara careening in his direction at full speed.

As well as the panicked agents chasing him.

“You’re insane!” Madara spat after yanking open the passenger door. Then he caught sight of their pursuers and hurriedly buckled himself in with a frantic squeak. “What are you waiting for? Drive!”

“Mhm, doing it,” Tobirama replied absently, more concerned with watching the mirrors, he was just waiting for the perfect moment… _Now!_

He rammed the car in reverse and ran over three agents in a series of meaty thuds and a splash of viscous greyish ichor that was neither blood nor human.

Ha, take that! With his theft of their Zetsu their ability to make soldiers was sharply curtailed and now with its death their supply was more limited than ever! Even the loss of these three would be devastating.

“ _What the hell was that?_ ” Madara shrieked, clinging to the oh shit handle.

Tobirama frowned. “By any chance, do you have operatic training?”

“What are you talking about?!”

“I’m going to take that as a no,” Tobirama said calmly, flooring the gas pedal and tearing out into the street. “You should consider it. You seem to be in possession of a prodigious vocal range.”

“Fucking explain _this—!_ ” Madara’s voice rose sharply at the end as Tobirama pulled an incredibly illegal u-turn to dodge a shady non-descript vehicle on their tail. “Oh my god, I’m going to be sick.”

“Don’t do that,” Tobirama said sharply. Fishing his phone out and firmly ignoring yet more alarmed noises from Madara, he thumbed it on and clicked the first contact he saw. **_Hapless Monkey_ ** answered with well conditioned promptness. “Where are you?”

“ _We’re at the docks. We got chased off by agents._ ” Hiruzen said, loudly, over the sound of much caterwauling and arguing in the background. “ _Koharu had her phone stolen and I think Torifu’s concussed. Probably Kagami too but I don’t wanna think too hard about it since he’s driving._ ”

“Good, we’re on our way over—”

“What’s this _we_ you speak of—?”

“—so have the boat prepared for our arrival,” Tobirama said and hung up, eyeing an upcoming ramp and calculating trajectory. It probably couldn’t get him onto the elevated highway but maybe if he faked it…?

He feinted toward it and a shady non-descript vehicle took the bait. He swerved at the last second and watched with no small amount of satisfaction as the car went flying.

Meanwhile, Madara was nearly hyperventilating.

“To answer your question,” Tobirama continued,  switching lanes before slowing down for a red light, causing yet another car to overshoot, “The Zetsu you destroyed came from a larger meteorite that took over the minds of my last place of employment; Area 51.” Madara spluttered. “Zetsu was used to convert humans into a kind of obedient drone. Naturally, I stole the Zetsu to prevent further damage and have been locked in stalemate with the intelligence called Kaguya ever since. With the permanent loss of its drone-maker it’s been dealt a grievous blow.”

“ _What_.”

“I really must thank you for your contribution to science and life as we know it,” Tobirama smiled at him, wide and genuinely pleased. “We’re one step closer to rooting out this malevolence. Do you want to come with me to Area 51 and see if potassium bicarbonate works on Kaguya too?”

“I—”

“Oh, hang on,” Tobirama interrupted, stomping on the gas pedal and and launching the car headlong into a donut right in the middle of the intersection to throw off the agent that managed to climb onto the car. “Sorry about that.”

Madara made a choked noise, plastered against the door. “Do you even have a driver’s license?!”

“Of course I do,” Tobirama frowned. “We’re not dead yet, are we?”

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Madara whimpered. “ _You are literally a walking disaster_.”

“So are you coming with or do I have to arrange for your temporary falsified death?” Tobirama asked. “I’m pretty sure I could jury rig something with this car, a drone, and a sufficiently large fireball…”

“Oh my god,” Madara repeated. “Fuck. I can’t fake my death! Izuna would never forgive me!”

“Which means you have to come with.” Tobirama hummed, pleased. “Welcome aboard Operation Moon Eater; it’s good to have you.”

“ _What the fuck_.”

 


End file.
